Hater of the Week: China

I’m not hating on China, I’m just saying that this is ridiculous.

Too lazy to click on that link? Well, this picture should help:

That’s right - China is going through a phase where it’s all the rage to dye your pets like other animals. So dogs become pandas or tigers, or whatever other endangered species the Chinese don’t want to be bothered with actually keeping alive.

That’s right, China. Don’t think you’re fooling anyone. We know that panda’s days are numbered - thanks in large part to the 1.25 billion of you that have destroyed their natural habitat - and now, you think you can pull a fast one on the rest of us?

Nice try. But we’re not going to let you just swap those pan-dogs in for the real thing, Indiana-Jones-Temple-of-Doom style. We’re going to notice. So don’t even think about it.

AND! What are you doing, China!? You’re clearly stealing from us - America. Yeah, you remember us? The country that came up with the whole idea of having so much money that you waste it in ways that make the entire rest of the world hate you? That’s our move! You’re stealing our move!!

Frankly, forget the debt ceiling. This is more of an indicator that we’ve been surpassed by China than anything that statistics could ever say. How did we fall asleep on this one? How are we not the asshole country that shits on the 3rd world by dyeing our pets to look like other animals??

That’s a horrible idea. It reaks of irresponsibility, and a complete lack of awareness of what that money could do for the poorest of the poor around the world. IT’S THE MOST AMERICAN IDEA EVER!!!

I’m not hating on you, China, I’m just saying. Well done. Add it to the list of things you’re better at than us - right below brutally repressive regimes and sneaking 12 year-old gymnasts into the Olympics and saying they’re 16.

Not hating, just saying.

Doug Hutchison

I’m not hating on Doug Hutchison, I’m just saying that maybe a 51 year-old dude shouldn’t marry a child.

Who is Doug Hutchison, you ask? Well, I’m not hating on you, because I didn’t know either. I guess he’s an actor who was in The Green Mile. That was filmed in 1998, back when he was 38 and his wife was 4. Hot hating, just saying.

Really dude? When your wife was 4 years old, you were a 38 year-old shooting a movie!? Do you know what you were doing when you were 4 years old?

I do. You were watching Kennedy get shot. In 1963.

Is this type of thing usually legal? Of course not. But the 16 year-old’s mother signed a waiver giving consent of the marriage.

Hey dude, here’s a great rule of thumb in life: If you’re in your 50s, don’t marry someone if you literally need a permission slip from her parents to legally fuck her. Your dick isn’t a field trip.

Maybe I’m wrong here. I’m sure this child’s parents can be trusted to have her best interests in mind. Sure, she’s an aspiring country music singer, but I’m sure she’s been raised well. Let’s see a photo shoot from her last album:

Hmm. That’s pretty much exactly what I expected, if I’m going to be honest.

I’m so angry about this, I’m not even going to write anymore. I’d worry this girl’s feelings will be hurt if she reads this, but I’m not even sure she’s old enough to read yet.

Not hating, just saying.

al Qaeda

I’m not hating on al Qaeda, I’m just saying if I were Ayman Al-Zawahiri, I wouldn’t exactly be “thrilled” that my peers just appointed me the new head of al Qaeda.

That had to be a pretty awkward passing-the-torch ceremony, right? “Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot. I’ll remember this moment for the rest of my life. Mostly because it’s going to last about 3 months now. Thanks a million, assholes."

Sure, maybe this dude would have wanted to take bin Laden’s spot at the top. But quietly, right? Not in a way that makes you the easiest person in the world to hate, other than these three guys. Not in a way that makes you searched for more than the love-child of Waldo and Carmen Sandiego.

In hockey, when someone is named the team leader, they get the letter “C” sewn onto the front of their uniform, like in this picture. Al Qaeda has a similar tradition, except instead of the letter C, they just use this.

I’m not hating on being named Al Qaeda’s new leader, I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re giving the “honor” to someone else again before long. Not hating, just saying.

Mother Nature (and Mitt Romney)

I’m not hating on Mother Nature, but isn’t it about time she takes a week off? The wildfires, tsunamis, and floods weren’t enough? You had to pad your resume’ yesterday with a tornado in Massachusetts?

Now don’t get me wrong, the tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri, last week were much worse.

But tornadoes in Missouri - and across the midwest - are fairly common. It’s a fact of science that sometimes, clouds feel so bad for the dust particles that are stuck in places like Oklahoma and Nebraska that they form a visible condensation tunnel that literally comes out of the sky, picks them up, and takes them somewhere else.

Basically, if you were a dust particle, a tornado is like the second coming. Which may explain why Harold Camping was so adamant about the impending Rapture, given that he is mostly just dried-up dust particles at this point. Not hating, just saying.

So really, tornadoes across the midwest are pretty defensible. I’m not hating on Mother Nature for those. But deadly tornadoes in...Massachusetts? Really? You couldn’t just keep killing people in Massachusetts with 8-foot snow drifts, or from the deaths caused by gay people being allowed to marry each other?

(Just so you don’t think I’m lying, my source for that is an e-mail chain forwarded to me by my other-than-racist-emails-they’re-off-the-grid cousins. Totally legit. Also, why is Obama growing watermelons in front of the White House?)

Killer tornadoes in Massachusetts? Really, Mother Nature? I don’t agree with this move. Unless...hmmm...

UNLESS you had to injure hundreds of people in Massachusetts to show them getting treated in hospitals on the same day that Mitt Romney announced he’s running for President - thus acting as a reminder that while governor of Massachusetts, Romney signed a universal healthcare bill that provides free healthcare for all state citizens? And reminding people that inexplicably, he’s been passionately against the healthcare bill signed by President Obama, even though it’s essentially the same system that Romney signed and that is helping tornado victims receive the assistance they need in this time of crisis?

Okay, I doubt that’s it. Maybe she’s just a big fat jerk. But so is Romney. Not hating, just saying.

Laws

I’m not hating on Laws, I’m just saying that sometimes, less is more.

Go ahead and watch this clip for a minute. It’s footage from a “flash mob” that took place last week when people protested at the Jefferson Memorial by dancing silently.

What were these people protesting, you ask?

Appropriately enough, they were protesting a law saying you can’t dance silently at national monuments.

I’m not hating on America, I’m just saying - aren’t we taking ourselves a little too seriously when we literally make it illegal to dance? I’m also not hating on Christians in the 1720s, I’m just saying I don’t want to adopt their lifestyle.

For everyone’s sake, let’s hope this gets appealed to a higher court, and the judge says this.

Come on, America. Doesn’t a law like that kind of devalue the entire concept of a system of rules that help bring order and justice to the citizens of a particular country?

I’m not hating on Laws, I’m just saying. And I’m not hating on this particular law...I’m just saying that there’s another protest at the Jefferson Memorial scheduled for this Saturday, June 4th, at noon. And if you’re in or around DC, you should go check it out.

NBA Finals

I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying that this is going to be the closest thing we’ve had to a race war since...well, since the last time a white athlete actually had a chance at winning something other than the Stanley Cup.

The Miami Heat and their “Big 3” - aka “The Heatles,” aka “A Group of Big Black Men that your grandmother would have been terrified of” - advanced to the NBA Finals last night after defeating the Chicago Bulls.

There, they will face the Dallas Mavericks, who are not particularly white, but white enough for white people to quietly root for them against the Heat. They have the best white player since Larry Bird - Dirk Nowitzki. They have a point guard that - although half-black - once called the cops because his wife was abusing him. So I’m pretty sure white people will count that as a tie-breaker. And their spark off the bench, J.J. Barea, was a part of one of the most racists-see-society-as-this-play-on-a-larger-scale moments in NBA history, which you can watch here.

So get ready, everybody! It’s going to be an intense couple of weeks across middle-America. I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying.

Hater of the Week - Harold Camping

I’m not hating Harold Camping, I’m just saying that he’s definitely our Hater of the Week.

This one really isn’t close. First, Mr. Camping (pictured to the right, listening to something his finger is saying) spent the past few months hating on all of society by telling us that May 21, 2011, was going to be The Day of Reckoning.

But really, that’s not enough to merit being Hater of the Week. If it was, there’d be a thousand bums on street corners right now waiting for their 7 days of fame.

No no no - what makes Harold a truly great Hater is that when he finally came out of hiding this week, what did he do? Did he admit that he was wrong? Did he acknowledge that his irresponsible and dangerous fear-mongering gave a black eye to all the people who aren’t assholes and try to live their best lives by following a particular religion respectfully? Did he admit that his ignorance caused serious harm, and that he’s partly responsible for innocent people being hurt or killed, including a woman in California slitting her daughters’ throats?

Did he admit that at 89 years old, maybe he’s a fucking idiot? Maybe he should be in a home somewhere, focusing less on why God isn’t showing up, and more on why his kids never do?

Not hating, of course. Just saying.

Did he admit any of that? Of course he didn’t! Instead, he explained that he’s still right about doomsday - he just did the math wrong.

Wow. Hating on math over random religious bullshit? Nice ‘Scopes Monkey Hate!’ Somebody’s been reading their Hater History Book!

He explained on his radio broadcast that God was a merciful God, and that’s why he chose not to subject the world to 5 months of hell on Earth. But October 21, 2011, is definitely when the world is coming to an end.

It’s been a while since anyone has pulled off this good of a 'Revelations Hate' - a Hate that is based on something that is going to happen, then keeps not happening, but the hater continues to hate in advance of something that is obviously never actually going to happen. Christians love using this hate, because they invented it (well, I doubt they invented it, but they probably systematically eliminated the group of people that did, and now claim it’s theirs).

Your prediction didn’t come true, Mr. Camping, but there is some good news: For the dangerous use of your 'Revelation Hate' and for bringing back the long-forgotten 'Scopes Monkey Hate' (aka Texas-Board-of-Education Hate), you are our Hater of the Week!

Congratulations! Now hurry up and die, you old piece of shit! Not hating, just saying!